A Long and Winding Road...

It's now more than six weeks since I was diagnosed with heart disease. It has been so long that I have begun to get used to it, while it still has an unreal feeling about it. I realise that with most sufferers, the time between diagnosis and surgery is just a matter of days or even hours. I've never known anyone who has been living with it for this long and I think this just makes it seem worse. I'm constantly thinking about the procedure and exactly what it means to me. I would much rather have been rushed into emergency surgery when I wouldn't have had a chance to dwell on it. But I suppose I have to agree that I've been very lucky, having been diagnosed before I became critically ill, and I've had the chance to put my affairs in order before I go 'under the knife'.
I just hope that I haven't driven everyone mad with my problems! I try to act normally, and talk of all matters other than health, but no matter how hard I try the spectre of the 'operation' eventually rears it ugly head. For that I apologise, and promise that, as soon as I come out of surgery I will positively view the future in a different light.
But please don't stop contacting me; I love to hear from you all, and really appreciate the tremendous support you've all given me.
It's getting really close now.

Live for the day

Why is it that we all know the saying 'live for today for you never know what tomorrow will bring' yet most of us ignore it? I have discovered, too late, the value of enjoying what I have, and now my ability is severely reduced I find I have some regrets. I know that I will be able to resume my life in a similar way to the past, but I will always wonder if I couldn't have done it better, and with more enthusiasm. What I hope for now is that I can communicate to others the value in 'doing it today' rather than waiting and saving and preparing, when that which you have been waiting for may not come in time!!
I'm not suggesting that we should all throw forward-planning and prudent behaviour out of the window, but I do now realise that we should only set-aside enough for the future without taking away our ability to enjoy the present.
I hadn't appreciated that this condition of mine would bring out the philosopher in me but it seems to have awakened a part of my mind that has been dormant for some time. Who knows, maybe this re-awakening will bring forward some deep and profound thoughts from my addled mind.
But don't hold your breath!!!!

When I'm 64!

Today is my 64th birthday, and I approach this milestone in my life with hope and confidence. I am hugely warmed and encouraged by the many messages of support and congratulation from my friends and family. I think some of my 'readers' have mistaken my fears at my upcoming surgery for negative thoughts. There is a distinct difference between the idea of the physical onslaught of heart and kidney surgery and the knowledge that, today these procedures are very common and usually successful. I believe I have the very best surgical team and I totally trust them with my body. I am confident that I will come out of this stronger and healthier, but I cannot avoid the fear of the unknown. I have never had to undergo major surgery and now, suddenly I am faced with not one but two operations in a short time. I am aware that both operations can be life threatening and, honestly this scares the pants off me!!!!
However I am sure that my life will be much improved after all this fuss, and I look forward to returning to the golf course, the band and my life with renewed vigour and enthusiasm.
So roll on my 65th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lazy Sunday Afternoon......

There are those who consider a lazy Sunday, doing absolutely nothing as a prescription for heaven. How wrong!!! I'm spending another Sunday with nothing to do instead of most of my last few years when the day was pretty full. Waiting for surgery, and concerned that any extreme activity might cause a heart attack, I'm figuratively 'walking on eggshells'. Probably, my fears are way over the top, but I don't dare do anything that might trigger a problem; and I just do not want to have to go into surgery before the chosen date in February.
If you were told that you had a limited, and known amount of time left on Earth you'd probably want to go out with a bang; doing everything you ever dreamed of before it became too late. Yet here I am, waiting for the most serious medical procedure I have ever experienced, possible even life threatening, and am DOING NOTHING!!!! It just doesn't make sense. I'm doing everything to avoid bringing on a problem, and making my life miserable into the bargain. It's not that I'm negative about the result; I have every confidence in my medical team, I just don't want to become responsible for my own decline. The wait now seems interminable, but I made the choice, and I have to live with it.
Oh well, won't be long now!!

One step forward???

When I was first diagnosed with diabetes some years ago, I recognised that it would eventually impact my life; but I didn't know how much. I was warned that, to control my disease I would have to carefully control my diet, but that, with it being a progressive disease, other measures would have to be taken. After a while I had to add some medication to my diet control, but I always felt that I was in charge! However, and inevitably I also had to enter into a programme of checking all the various functions that could be affected. I had checks for my eyesight, the quality of the circulation in my limbs, and, perhaps most significantly my kidney function. Over the years my kidneys gradually deteriorated, until a year ago I was advised that I would have to prepare for a transplant in the next year or two. I accepted this bombshell, and resigned myself to a wait for a suitable donor, and possibly having to start dialysis if the organs finally became critical. Then some light at the end of the tunnel - I could see the possibility of a transplant before the need to commit to the drudgery of dialysis. I became very positive that my life would improve hugely and that I would be able to live normally.
Things began to move swiftly forward - or so I thought!. BUT as you now know my preparations for the transplant revealed a serious heart problem requiring urgent surgery. It just seemed that, as I thought I was moving forward, I suffered a blow which dragged me back.
However I have had such positive responses, that I feel confident that I will have a good outcome from my surgery. AND, at a meeting today with my renal consultant I learned that there is a very good chance that I won't have to go into permanent dialysis following the surgery. So there really is still light at the end of the tunnel.

The green green grass

It was with some reservations that I drove to Pine Ridge Golf Club today. I wasn't able to play, but I went to meet with my friends in The Untouchables Golf Society who were playing in the first medal competition of the year. It was a beautiful, if rather cold day but Pine Ridge looked it's best under a clear blue sky. Oh how I wished I could be out here playing the course, and, as I watched the groups coming home to the 18th green I felt a deep sadness that it will be quite some time before I will be back there enjoying the game I love so much. BUT I will be back and playing with all my heart!!!
I was very encouraged by the support of all my fellow golfers, and will take their good wishes with me through the tough times that are to come.
Thanks everyone!!

Not just routine!!

Yesterday I had a day at Hammersmith Hospital for the Cardiac pre-admission clinic. What a day! First of all everything was double checked - lung function, ecg, x-rays, blood tests etc etc. It's good to know that they are so thorough, but it is yet another reminder of just how serious this procedure is. If you consider it 'routine' to open the chest, chill the heart and connect it to an outside machine, collapse the lungs and remove a vein from the leg then, believe me you are on an another planet! Also I learn that this procedure will 'shut down' my kidneys, which then have to be re-started. Problem is that, with my very limited kidney function, there is a very strong possibility that they won't just 'wake up' after the operation and I will have to have dialysis immediately. In fact they will prepare me for dialysis before the operation by installing the necessary 'line' to allow easy connection to the machine. It just gets better and better!
I had a meeting with my surgeon, who was keen to ensure that I had all the information. He asked 'do you have any questions?' to which I replied 'yes, are you absolutely sure that I need this operation and that there isn't a simpler alternative?'. He explained that he had the clear evidence of the problem and that, because of it's severity there is no other option. I accept this, but I had to ask! I have to say that the entire team seem to be incredibly competent and confident, and very caring. I'm sure I will be in very safe hands and the outcome will be good.
I know that the recovery period will be quite long, and that I will have to 'look forward' to further surgery for my kidney transplant, but I remain positive about my future.
Let's see how things develop.

Good Day Sunshine!!

I woke this morning to bright sunshine in a clear blue sky and my first thought was of the first tee at Pine Ridge. I was reminded of my feelings as I stand on that tee, imagining my drive heading off down the fairway with a gentle draw lining up nicely for a simple iron shot to the green! But that was just in my mind. Sadly there will be no golf for me for quite a while now, and I do feel a void that, whilst not entirely unexpected makes me feel very very sad. The comradeship and competition of our regular matches with both The Untouchables and the Titans have become a hugely important part of my life, and I just hope that it won't be too long before I can get my clubs out of their temporary retirement and get back to the game I have grown to love.
I must be positive and look forward to my 'return' rather than regretting my current 'disability'.

Now it begins!!

Today I had the first of several hospital appointments in preparation for my forthcoming surgery in February. I had a chest x-ray and an ultrasound examination of my carotid artery to ensure that it is not blocked. Apparently everything looks OK - so some relief today. More detailed tests to come over the next 2-3 weeks.

Like falling off a log!!!!

It's funny but whenever I tell anyone about my 'problem' they always react the same way. First they say how sorry they are to hear the news and then they say something like 'it's just routine these days' or 'It's so common that they can do it with their eyes closed!'.
I know everyone is trying to be supportive and make light of the surgery, but somehow it doesn't really help. There is no real consolation in knowing that thousands of others have already had the same surgery with great success when I think about exactly what is about to happen to me. It's not that I'm feeling especially sorry for myself, but there is a very real fear of the unknown and only I can cope with the actual feeling. I just like to know that I have the support of my friends and colleagues, and that they will be thinking of me as I go through the ordeal.